Sir Lady Alanna: Corus Shrink
by Shattered Blue
Summary: Alanna decides her next adventure will be to solve all Tortall's problems single-handedly (dramatic music) by becoming a psychiatrist. A leader of the lost, an ear to the lonely, and a tall building for the suicidal.
1. Kel and Cleon

Welcome to my new fic! Please review at the end!  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing but the plot is mine.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Alanna: *swivels happily in her swivel chair, in new office decked out with patient chaise bed and lots of fake credentials hanging on walls*  
  
Intercom: Keladry of Mindelan and Cleon of Kennan are here for relationship counseling.  
  
Alanna: *leaps up and brandishes sword at intercom* Who are you? Show yourself in the name of the King!  
  
Intercom: *smugly* I'm the All-Powerful Intercom. I command hordes of bored students and whole buildings full of frustrated important people.  
  
Alanna: *fierce scowl* You don't scare me. Come out and fight! I demand a fight to the death!  
  
Intercom: Did I mention that I have super-intercom powers and can blast your eardrums out with squeaky sounds, causing much wailing and gnashing of teeth by all in my vicinity?  
  
Alanna: *bewildered, scratches her head*  
  
Intercom: Just open the door.  
  
Alanna: *obediently opens door, and lets Kel and Cleon in. All sit down* Now, what seems to be the problem? *importantly pompous*  
  
Kel: *hysterically* He doesn't like my mother!  
  
Cleon: She keeps boring me with Yamani stuff, and quite frankly, my dewdrop, I don't give a damn.  
  
Kel: See? He doesn't like my mother!  
  
Alanna: *confused* He didn't say that. He said he didn't like the Yamani stuff.  
  
Kel: Yes, he doesn't like my mother! *crying*  
  
Cleon: *yells* Shut up about your mother!  
  
Kel: See? He doesn't like my mother! *still crying*  
  
Alanna: *throws box of tissues at her* Baby. Now, Cleon, Why don't you like Yamani stuff?  
  
Cleon: All they ever do is bow, bat their eyelashes, confuse you with different weapons and philosophize. Neal does enough of all that to suit anyone.  
  
Alanna: *interested* Neal bats his eyelashes?  
  
Cleon: You should've see him this one time when-   
  
Kel: *cuts him off* Don't say mean things about Neal! And why don't you like my mother?  
  
Cleon: I knew it! You like Neal!  
  
Kel: *blushing* No I don't! You don't like my mother!  
  
Cleon: *tearing out hair* Shut up about your mother! *runs out, patches of hair gone*  
  
Alanna: I never knew you could literally tear you hair out. *interested*  
  
Kel: *tearfully* But he doesn't like my mother.  
  
Alanna: *angrily* I hate your mother too, now grow up!  
  
Kel: I thought you liked me. *sniff* Meanie! *steals box of tissues and leaves*  
  
Alanna: *sits back happily, content* I think that went well.  
  
Intercom: Good job.  
  
Alanna: *pleased* Thank you. Tell you what, we'll call it a truce. I won't kill you, and you don't hurt my ears with squeaky sounds.   
  
Intercom: Deal. Shall I tell you about the office Christmas party I crashed?  
  
Alanna: *bored already* If you have to.  
  
Intercom: *experimental squeak*  
  
Alanna: *sits up straight immediately* I mean, go right ahead, I would love to hear.  
  
Intercom: *smugly* That's better. Well, it all began...  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
All hail the Intercom, lol.  
  
Review if you want more! Tell me any ideas you have, too. I want a few cameo ppl for an upcoming episode.  
  
Til then, stay sane!  
  
~ Rebel Hawk 


	2. Thayet and Jon

I finally have time for another chapter. Sorry, guys! Please accept this humble offering of insane-ness!  
  
Insert disclaimer here.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Alanna: It's off to work we go!  
  
Intercom: You're already here.  
  
Alanna: I know. *sits down in swivel chair, smiling happily*  
  
Intercom: *shakes imaginary head* You have a visitor.  
  
Alanna: Who is it?  
  
Intercom: Guess.  
  
Alanna: Um... Mithros?  
  
Intercom: Close. Guess again.  
  
Alanna: George?  
  
Intercom: Since when is George close to Mithros?  
  
Alanna: *gooey eyes* Well...  
  
Intercom: Never mind. It's Jonathan, and Thayet.  
  
Alanna: Since when is Jonathan close to Mithros?  
  
Intercom: Just let them in.  
  
*Alanna opens door, Jonathan and Thayet walk in. Immediately the window is crowded with faces screaming and trying to bash window in.*  
  
Alanna: Hmm. *pulls drapes shut, screaming is muffled.* Better.  
  
Thayet: But I was waving to them! *smiles prettily and twinkles fingers at drapes*  
  
Alanna: Too bad, so sad. Sit down. *all obey, including Alanna.* What seems to be your problem(s)?  
  
Jonathan: *intrigued* How did you manage to get brackets into that sentence?  
  
Alanna: I'm Sir Lady Alanna, savvy?  
  
Jonathan: Why are you plagiarizing the roguishly charming Captain Jack Sparrow?  
  
Alanna: You're from Tortall, you aren't supposed to know about Jack! And why do you find him roguishly charming, you're male!  
  
Jonathan: Neither are you and none of your business!  
  
Thayet: I guess it's true that small things amuse small minds.  
  
Alanna and Jonathan: And small minds notice!  
  
Thayet: *taken aback*  
  
Alanna: *regains pompous importance* Now, what troubles you?  
  
Jonathan: She spends more time with our fans that with me.  
  
Thayet: This coming from the man who sleeps with teddy bears.  
  
Jonathan: *red* Don't try to change the subject!  
  
Thayet: *rolls eyes* Alanna, if I sign an autograph for you, can I leave?  
  
Alanna: Why would I want your autograph?  
  
Thayet: I'm Queen Thayet, savvy?  
  
Jonathan: Stop plagiarizing Jackie!  
  
Thayet: *shocked* Jackie?!?!?  
  
Jonathan: ....  
  
Alanna: *sees opportunity to be shrink-ishly pompous* Jon, I think you asked Thayet to come here not to deal with her fan-hogging, but on a deeper unconscious level because you have some important unsolved dramas in your life.  
  
Jonathan and Thayet: *stare*  
  
Alanna: Never mind. I have three simple questions, okay?  
  
Jonathan: Simple? Oh good.  
  
Thayet: Shut up, your queer fool.  
  
Jonathan: I am not queer!  
  
Thayet: Are too.  
  
Jonathan: Am not.  
  
Thayet: Are too.  
  
Alanna: *screeches* Stop or I will unsheathe my shiny sword and stand victoriously over your bloody mangled corpses!  
  
Jonathan and Thayet: *quiet*  
  
Alanna: Better. Now, Jonathan, do you love boys more than girls?  
  
Jonathan: Yes. *catches glare from Thayet and hastily drops it* I mean, um..  
  
Alanna: *gleefully* I knew it!  
  
Thayet: *angrily* I knew it!  
  
Alanna: *calms* Okay, Thayet, do you love your fans more than Jon?  
  
Thayet: Yes. *catches glare from Jonathan and throws it in Alanna's waste paper basket* I don't care! He's queer!  
  
Jonathan: *pauses trying to think of comeback*  
  
Alanna: Jon, do you sleep with stuffed animals?  
  
Jonathan: *preoccupied* Yes.   
  
Thayet: You could've asked me that.  
  
Alanna: *gleefully* It was better hearing it from him.  
  
Jonathan: *comes to senses* No! No I don't!   
  
Alanna: Too late! Wait til Gary hears about this...  
  
Jonathan: If you tell a soul, I will fire you from King's Champion.  
  
Alanna: *pouts*  
  
Jonathan *satisfied* Better.  
  
Thayet: *sweetly* Dear, we should go now, there are a million fans waiting for my autograph.  
  
Jonathan: *perks up* Maybe some will have no shirts on... it was pretty hot today.  
  
Alanna: *opens door for happy couple*  
  
Intercom: Another satisfied customer(s).  
  
Alanna: How did you get the brackets into that sentence?  
  
Intercom: I'm the Almighty Intercom, savvy?  
  
Alanna: Stop plagiarizing Jack! He's the author's obsession, not ours.  
  
Random Author: *hugs poster of Captain Jack Sparrow*  
  
Alanna: *confuzzled* How'd you get in here?  
  
Random Author: I'm all-powerful. Muahahah- *coughchokewheaze disappear*  
  
Alanna: *pauses, shrugs, sits down and puts feet on desk*  
  
Intercom: Off.  
  
Alanna: *takes feet off desk, scowling* Why do I obey you again?  
  
Intercom: *squeak*  
  
Alanna: Yes master! What should I do next?  
  
Intercom: Say goodbye. The author's hungry.  
  
Alanna: That's all for this chapter, folks, see you next time! *waves hysterically with plastered fake smile*  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Whatever she said. Stomach make thunder. Me eat.  
  
Stay INsane.  
  
~ Rebel Hawk 


	3. Neal and Yuki

Hello and welcome to another chapter of INsanity! This chapter is dedicated to my cat Cara, and her single kitten Jack. She gave birth to him about a month ago, with two others, but they came out all purple and dead. Jack was tiny and barely alive, and we helped Cara take care of him. Now, he's the cutest thing since sliced bread, and clever to boot! Coochie woochie woo, Jackie kitty!   
  
BTW, thanks to Seadragon for the idea for last chapter! There will be more from Jon and Thayet later on!  
  
This chapter was the result of a suggestion from Kirjava Deamon. Many thanks!  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Alanna: Here we go, another day helping people overcome their problems. *smiles happily*  
  
Intercom: May I point out-  
  
Alanna: No, you very well may not. Who's next?  
  
Intercom: Neal and Yuki.   
  
Neal and Yuki: *enter. Yuki is wearing chopsticks in her hair that have sharp points on each end, a necklace with Stormwing feather and is playing with a knife.*  
  
Alanna: Good morning! *important* Please, sit down. *all sit* Now, what's your problem?  
  
Neal: I would have thought it obvious? *points to his wife*  
  
Yuki: What? *flips knife in air, grinning maniacally*  
  
Neal: *looks at Alanna pleadingly*  
  
Alanna: Oh. Hey Yuki, nice chopsticks.  
  
Yuki: Thanks! I'm glad someone likes them, everyone else thinks I have an obsession with pointy objects.  
  
Alanna: *raises eyebrows* Never would have figured.  
  
Neal: *still looking at Alanna pleadingly*  
  
Alanna: Yuki, maybe you do have an obsession.  
  
Yuki: *stabs knife into desk, then pries it out to continue playing*  
  
Alanna: Or maybe not.   
  
Neal: *groan* My dear, what the psychologist is NOT trying to tell you *glare at Alanna* is that some people have a problem with all the sharp objects you keep with you.  
  
Yuki: But why?  
  
Alanna: It's not normal.  
  
Yuki: But... I like them.  
  
Alanna: No one else does.  
  
Yuki: Does that matter? You say things other people don't like, and you don't care what they think.  
  
Alanna: *turns to Neal* The girl has a point. Many, apparently. *eyeing the knife*  
  
Neal: *turns eyes upwards* Will someone please help?  
  
Intercom: I've had enough. There's only one way to deal with this problem. Alanna, come here.  
  
Alanna: *bends to press ear to intercom obediently, then straightens with a gleeful glint in her eye.*   
  
Neal: I don't like the look of this.  
  
Alanna: *screeches* Yukimi of Queenscove, you put those pointy objects down right now or I will draw my shiny sword and not hesitate to lop off every last point object on your persona, including but not limited to all limbs and extremities, and you shall lie motionless at my feet as I hold my sword aloft victoriously! Man, I'm getting good at this.  
  
Yuki: *frozen in shock. Knife drops from motionless fingers.*  
  
Neal: Congratulations milady, I think you've done it.  
  
Alanna: Of course I've done it.   
  
Intercom: Shall I call a healer?  
  
Neal: *looks at Intercom for a moment with puzzled face, then shakes head to clear it* No, I'll carry her home. While she's frozen it'll give me a chance to get rid of all the sharp things without her trying to slice off my poor fingers. *lifts Yuki from chair* You can keep the knife.  
  
Alanna: *scoops knife from floor happily*  
  
Neal: I'll see you later, Alanna.  
  
Alanna: Peace out.   
  
*all stare*  
  
Alanna: Never mind.  
  
*Neal leaves, carrying Yuki and plucking sharp things from various locations*  
  
Alanna: And what do you have to say about that?  
  
Intercom: Well, seeing as how it was me who told you how to solve the problem...  
  
Alanna: On the other hand, you can keep your opinion.  
  
Intercom: You attempt to tell me what to do?   
  
Alanna: Indeed.  
  
Intercom: Who do you think you are?  
  
Alanna: *grin* I'm Sir Lady Alanna, savvy?  
  
Intercom: Oh no, not this again.  
  
Random Omnipotent Author: Just had to put that in there. Couldn't resist, mate!  
  
*all stare*  
  
R.O.A: What? *hugs cardboard cutout and disappears*  
  
Alanna: I think it's time to say goodbye.  
  
Intercom: Indeed.   
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Indeed indeed! Sorry, that wasn't as good a chapter as last time.  
  
Still looking for cameo people. Review and sign up! I'll write the cameo episode when I get enough people. Also, I'm looking for suggestions for upcoming episodes! Anyone you especially want to see get paid out?  
  
Peace out, and stay INsane!  
  
~ Rebel Hawk. 


	4. Liam

Holy Bed Linen, it's been a long time since I posted! Could you ever forgive me? Here's another episode anyway.  
  
Alanna: reading emails on laptop Hey look, George sent me an email! No wait, it's just one of those adult spams....   
  
Intercom: This is supposed to be a mild spoof!   
  
Alanna: rolls eyes Just get the author to change the rating, duh!  
  
Intercom: I think you've been spending a little too much time watching cable TV.  
  
Alanna: dreamily Modern technology...  
  
Intercom: Isn't this supposed to be a medieval land? laptop disappears  
  
Alanna: Hey, I was using that!  
  
Intercom: Liam is here to see you.  
  
Alanna: What?! Nuh-uh, I'm not speaking to him. Last time he came back from the dead, he put a spider in my boot!  
  
Intercom: Well, you did use your Gift to turn his sword into sugar frosting.  
  
Alanna: grumbles I like sugar frosting...  
  
Liam: enters and sits in a chair Good evening, kitten.  
  
Alanna: swivels in her swivel chair so her back is to him  
  
Liam: Still not speaking to me?  
  
Alanna: sniffs disdainfully  
  
Liam: I'll take that as a no.   
  
Intercom: What my employer is not trying to discuss, is your fear of magic.  
  
Liam: stares at the white box, starting to sweat A talking box?  
  
Alanna: gets an idea and swings back around, fingers steepled under her chin and wily smile on her fave, looking extremely devious. Yes Liam, a MAGIC talking box.  
  
Liam: sweats even more. Magic?  
  
Alanna: Indeed.  
  
Liam: stands I have places to be..  
  
Alanna: Intercom, lock the door.  
  
Intercom: mischievous Gladly.  
  
Alanna: Now, Liam, we're here to cure you of your fear of magic.  
  
Liam: rocks back and forth in the corner, muttering and staring into space.  
  
Alanna: frowns Was he supposed to do that?  
  
Intercom: No.   
  
Alanna: Hmm. What do I do now?  
  
Intercom: Don't ask me, I'm just a magic talking box.  
  
Alanna: Oh. Sorry. Um...  
  
Intercom: I was being sarcastic, dimwit! I'll call the Black God, he'll take crybaby back to the Realms of the Dead.  
  
Alanna: Cool bananas.  
  
Intercom: No more cable TV!  
  
Black God appears, looking like the Grim Reaper  
  
Alanna: sympathetically Was your Nazgul outfit in the wash again?  
  
Black God: nods sadly  
  
Alanna: shocked And the Dementor one too?  
  
Black God: nods again, sniffing  
  
Alanna: What is the world coming too?  
  
Black God: sighs mournfully, sweeps cloak around Liam and the two of them disappear  
  
Intercom: Here we are, at the end of another chapter.  
  
Alanna: Another job well done.  
  
Intercom: Er, yes.  
  
Alanna: The Random Omnipotent Author hasn't turned up this chapter, did you notice?  
  
Intercom: She can't be bothered, I'd imagine.   
  
Alanna: Yes, too anxious to get away from the computer and in front of the TV. sighs Wish I could join her.  
  
Intercom: She isn't watching cable, you moron.  
  
Alanna: That's right, she's watching Pirates of the Caribbean again, isn't she?  
  
Intercom: How many times is it now?  
  
Alanna: Not sure. We'd better shut up and let her go.  
  
Thank you, Alanna. That's it for another day! Or couple of months, it would seem. I'll try and post sooner... I'm on holidays, so maybe I'll have time to type more.  
  
Peace out and stay INsane,  
  
Rebel Hawk 


End file.
